At my therapist’s office last week I was sitting cross legged on her couch with a deathly hallows pillow in my lap and I looked at her and said “I think I miss my depression.”
This is the record-scratch-I’m-sorry-what moment. No one ever prepared me for what comes next after you slowly blink awake after years of on-going depression. I had been depressed for so long that I couldn’t remember who I was before depression or if I had ever fully existed outside of depressive episode.
It’s almost as though coming out of my depression is a new “illness” all together because it’s so unfamiliar. Things I used to “enjoy”, which I say with quotes because that word means something so entirely different when you’re depressed, seem foreign and like a weird dream I had two months ago that I kind of vaguely remember.
I’ve felt the biggest struggle with finding who I am creatively without my depression. If I don’t want to die all of the time then what do I write about, what’s funny to me now, what do I make when I’m not always looking to leave. It feels like a break up that so desperately needed to happen even though it changes everything. This is not in any way meant to be taken as me complaining that I’m not in the middle of a major depressive episode, I am so, SO glad to be able to be glad again. But I am trying to figure out what my new normal actually is and what I can do without the weight of depression pressing down on me.
Depression is captivity but it is also freedom. Nothing seems of consequence so nothing IS of consequence. I pitched my tent with bad decisions and made camp in the collateral damage. Everything was beautiful and tragic and mine.
It’s been hard not to believe that my depression was the most unique thing about me and to separate who I am and what I am capable of from the tentacles of that depression that gripped me so hard. But I’m working on it.
It’s okay to miss who I was with depression and it’s okay to be grateful for what my depression gave me.
I’m learning and for the first time in a long time, I’m happy to be here.