No One Deserves The Burden of Completing You.

Let’s say that one more time:

No one deserves the burden of completing you.

I’ll be honest, I was watching a horror movie and one of the characters said that and I immediately paused the movie and took some time to wrap my mind around it.

No one deserves the burden of completing you.

Not your family, not your friends, not a relationship, not a therapist, or pets, or plants, and not even that delivery guy who faithfully brings you pho when you’re hungover.

It’s not that these people or things won’t try or won’t want to, because they might. They might try really, really hard and they might get hurt in the process. It’s actually incredibly likely they’ll get hurt or worn out or give so much of themselves that they have nothing left. Which is why we love them, well one of the many reasons I’m sure, but they don’t deserve that sacrifice and it won’t work anyway. They can give and give and you can take and take but it won’t complete you.

I saw another quote recently that talked about how we shouldn’t use people as scratching posts. We can’t put our claws, our problems, our issues, sharp and constant into other people just so that we can feel better, more complete, or more alive.

These two quotes are ruthlessly intertwined. We so often feel incomplete, like pieces of a whole, and there’s this idea that we just need to find something, someone to complete us. But that is a big ask. A big impossible, bad, horrible ask. And it might work in the short term but they’ll get tired, they’ll have bad days, they’ll struggle with their own incompleteness, or they’ll leave. And we’ll be just as incomplete as before, and they’ll have all of the scars from our problems sticking them like needles.

I wish this could end with an answer or a resolution but the only thing that works for me personally is to look at my actions and to look at the other person, plant, thing and ask myself: Am I asking them to complete me? And if the answer is yes, adjust my behavior. This isn’t even close to a perfect solution and you’ll undoubtedly catch me falling into my own trap and seeking validation, companionship, and fucking love or answers from someone who wants to help.

But I need to keep reminding myself that NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE, deserves the burden of completing me.

I am working on not using others as scratching posts. I am working on pin pointing what makes me break and what makes me feel so incomplete. I am working on myself and I’m often asking for help but I will keep repeating to myself, over and over, that no one deserves the burden of completing me.

I am the only one who can and I am the only one who needs to.

 

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