I quickly realized that as an “adult” you can get out of almost any conversation, obligation, or situation by saying: “Oh, I’m so sorry, I have an appointment.” and abruptly leaving.
It doesn’t exactly work for me because I have become the woman who cried “appointment” too many times and now when I *actually* have appointments everyone gives me the side eye because they think I’m going to find somewhere comfortable to curl up and nap. And sometimes I actually go find somewhere comfortable to curl up and nap.
It’s a whole thing.
Yesterday I ACTUALLY had an appointment. I went to a new therapist.
My previous therapy experiences in two acts:
Act One: My psychiatrist has a therapist who works in her office, I am 23 and spiraling, I make an appointment, I show up, I tell her about my depression and difficulties and suicidal thoughts and she attempts to set me up with her son who is “a nice boy about to finish his degree at Clemson.” I decline and never return.
Act Two: Before the third bar exam I make an appointment with a therapist at a “stress management center” and walk in to find her sitting cross legged on the ground eating yogurt. She has me lay on her couch and listen to a mediation she has prerecorded. I fall asleep. She tells me that I have transcended consciousness and asks permission to read my energy. I never return.
So I knew that I wanted to find a therapist that was nothing like the two I had been to before. I went on Psychology Today to find a therapist that specialized in depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. Psychology Today is a really great resource if you are also looking for a therapist. I found a woman who had available lunch appointments and seemed low key and kind.
I was nervous before I went because I think the first appointment with a new therapist is equivalent to condensing a four year relationship and timeline into one hour. I talked a lot. My voice was tired when I left. But I was finally able to put certain feelings into words that made sense. I realized that my depression has been a part of my life for a very, very long time and I know that because I have always had suicide on the table as an option. Since I can remember. And it took me a long time to realize that that is not “normal” thinking and it continues to take active work to remind myself that suicide is not on the table, that it is not an option or a cure all. But I’d never been able to really vocalize that until yesterday.
I’m not sure what I want out of therapy or what is possible to achieve from this but I am proud of myself for going and I want to be open with everyone about this because it’s important that we normalize discussions about mental health. It’s important that people know there are other options on the table and that some things don’t belong on the table at all.
I’m excited to move forward with this.
Oh, excuse me, I have an appointment.