I thought because I suffered so much this would be easy and that I would walk into this better, clearer world and the reality is that we don’t process trauma while we’re in it. You were in survival mode, you were taking care of yourself and you were making sure you got from one day to the next and your body, your soul, your heart was just trying to hang on to the next day and now that you’re out of it your body, your soul, your heart, is like okay – I’m going to deal with all of this shit that happened to me because I’m no longer in survival mode, I’m no longer just functioning, I’m thriving and thriving means dealing with the shit.
– Just Break Up Podcast
I feel like the past 18 months have been the most frustrating relationship of my life.
I know that what I wanted to happen did not happen, like aggressively did NOT happen. But I also feel that I can finally be free. Everything I’ve done for 18 months ended in a question mark. And not a fun, will I go to Europe randomly and eat cheese in the sunshine way but in a will my life ever go the way I want it to where will I live what will I do howmuchanxietycanItakeonIsithotinhereoristhatjustme….
And I am so thankful, so grateful, that I can finally end my sentences and my days with a period.
Things may not go the way I want them to and my dream may never happen but right now being stable, being able to confidently stride in a direction, being able to rest easy is enough.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t upset or disappointed.
It would be completely untrue if I told you that the acute feelings of not being good enough, smart enough, careful enough, or even just enough don’t keep me up at night.
But hey, I’ve always been insecure so what’s new?!?
(kidding) (kind of ) (I mean you get it)
I’m putting an end to question marks and survival modes. I am sitting down and letting myself BE. I can finally answer the question “what do you do” without scrunching up my face. I can finally unpack all of my bags and plant my flag. I can sit quietly or loudly with my friends and know that I am here to stay. I can delight in stability.
For now I am no longer just functioning. I am thriving. I am dealing with the shit.