I didn’t want to write this because I was worried that people wouldn’t want to read it. That they would think that I write about this too much, that it isn’t applicable to them, or that I’m wallowing.
The thing is they aren’t wrong. I probably do write about this too much. This probably doesn’t apply to their lives. I am probably wallowing.
But. I don’t really care if you want to read this. That’s probably a turn off but it’s true. I don’t have visions of this blog becoming popular or becoming a secret way to make money (I have no idea how bloggers make money, must be #theIlluminati). I’m writing this because it helps me make sense of it all and if it happens to strike a chord with someone else then maybe we’re both better for it. If it doesn’t, well you probably know how to close a tab ….
This is about failure. My personal brand of failure is failing the bar exam but believe me, there are thousands, if not millions, of ways to fail. And every single one of those failures is unintentional. We don’t set out to fail.
I might be wrong but I’m pretty sure Thomas Edison didn’t fail on purpose just so that we would have a great quote about lightbulbs and perseverance. The man just wanted to make a damn light bulb.
The worst part about failing, the bar or anything else, is worrying about what other people will think. There is so much shame in failure.
Shame because people will think that you didn’t try hard enough, that you aren’t smart enough, that you weren’t brave enough, that you weren’t and aren’t enough.
I could take a million bar exams. It’s just two days, 8 essays, and 200 multiple choice questions. It takes about 12 hours. You’re in a giant, silent room filled with hundreds of other people just as scared and anxious as you. It isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Not even close.
Failing the bar once was really hard. Failing the bar twice was even harder.
It is so hard, nearly impossible, to pick yourself up after the utter devastation of having failed twice. The humiliation and shame. The feeling that you disappointed yourself and everyone around you. And perhaps the worst thing is that your entire future that you had so carefully planned is wiped away.
Per my last post, this clean slate can be a good thing. Options are a good thing. But for right now I am right here. I am studying. I am waiting. I am wondering what is going to happen next. I am wallowing when I need to. I am here making myself as vulnerable as possible because I know that people fail everyday. While I do not celebrate failure in some Edisonian minded lightbulb making way, I do celebrate rebuilding. I celebrate growth. I celebrate recognizing the pain and disappointment of failure. I celebrate being here. Here where the options are limitless. Where we feel our shame and we let it go. This place, this failure, this pain is temporary and what I do right now will dictate what happens next.
But until the July bar. Until I find out the results in October. Until I’m in a place to choose what happens next.
Here is good.