I am twenty-five which is about the age when you start to look up other twenty-five year olds on the internet and see how well you’re doing in comparison. Right now I am two months older than Selena Gomez, four months older than Demi Lovato, five months older than a Jonas brother (who can really tell the difference, if there even is one), and a few months older than other various actors and internet celebrities that I’ve never heard of which I am taking as a good sign because if I haven’t heard of them maybe I’m not doing too bad.

Your twenties are simultaneously the most and least interesting period of your life, speaking from experience re: I am twenty-five and thus have a vast knowledge of all of the comings and goings of other people in their twenties. What I mean to say is that your twenties are the beginning and ending of a lot of BIG IMPORTANT THINGS:

  1. College ends in a rather sad but ultimately forgettable way that feels a lot like not getting your full security deposit back even though you totally hired a carpet cleaner and did not at all rent one from Home Depot.
  2. All of your “friends” move away at this point and you face the struggle that is keeping up with people that you have nothing in common with anymore now that your weekends aren’t filled with lunches at Moe’s piecing together the drunken puzzle from the night before and absolutely not believing that you actually did that last night. Now these people that you shared utterly embarrassing life events with over queso live two hours away or two states away and the most you can hope for is a random accidental facetime and occasional text. The sting of this loss only lasts for a few months until you settle in to a new routine and realize that the next time you see these friends will be at their wedding or your wedding or some wedding of people you don’t know nearly well enough for them to have invited you to their wedding but here you are with a monogrammed koozie.
  3.  Your friends will get married. Like on purpose. IN THEIR TWENTIES. You’ll be genuinely excited for some, terrified for others, and vaguely amused at the rest. As someone who spends fifteen minutes trying to decide which Oreo flavor to buy I recognize that I am probably incapable of making a decision that life changing right now.
  4. YOUR FRIENDS WILL GET MARRIED and you will measure the value of your friendship by whether or not they ask you to be a bridesmaid. Do not get me wrong, NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE, wants to be a bridesmaid. We want people to WANT US to be their bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid is expensive. And exhausting. And feels like being an adult at disney world. Also bridal parties are awkward. Imagine taking all of the important women in your life who don’t really know each other but who also know way too much about each other and trying to make them all be best friends for approximately 48 hours.
  5. People you know will start doing things. Career making, life altering, incredible things. They will write books, release albums, invent something, sell houses, win trials, and get jobs that seem worryingly too adult for anyone in their twenties to have and make you question your entire childhood. You will feel BAD. B A D. Bad about feeling bad. We have a hard time seeing our own greatness while also being able to attribute greatness to others with great ease. You will be jealous and crushed by the amazing things that the people around you, with the same amount of years on this earth as you, are doing. And you’ll feel bad about that.
  6. None of us know what we’re doing. Business casual? Casual friday? Should you donate at the grocery store when they ask even if you think it’s possible your card could get declined? What is a 401k and for the love of all things good can your mom just handle that for you? How long is it really ok to go without changing your oil? Is it ok to eat that thing that’s been sitting in your freezer for like a year because you have that leaving the house dread and can’t possibly imagine going to the grocery story? Who knows. I sure don’t. But we’re all in this together and we’ll learn from each other’s mistakes or from our own.

So I might not be a Jonas but at least I can be #relatable since my childhood dream was becoming an army chef and not a tween dream boyband member. More discussion of BIG IMPORTANT THINGS that happen in your twenties to come, as they happen, or don’t happen. Also maybe a review of oreo flavors.


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